Labels

I am reading this great book called, ScreamFree Parenting, yes the title sounds scary and you might be afraid to pick up the book and read it somewhere where someone might see and think that because of the title of the book that you in fact, scream, at your child, gasp! However, once you can get past the title of the book, it really is a very insightful book. The idea is that not everyone screams at their child but, we all have different ways of "screaming" whether it be avoidance of the issue at hand, giving in, empty threats...the list could go on, but hopefully you get the idea.

So I read this chapter last night on Labels and I will give you a brief excerpt of what I read, so I don't go into way too much detail trying to explain it.

The Power Of Labels

All of us can recall countless stories of the power of labels. Even if they are innocently applied, they become insidiously powerful. The truth is, labels are among the most powerful forces that shape our relationships in the world. Labels have the remarkable ability to stick far beyond their reasonable life span. I'm sure you've heard about the two adult sisters still thinking of themselves as "the pretty one" and "the smart one." With two sons it's usually more like "the athletic one" and "the smart one." These labels affect us all. Each of us could list several that hang on us like the stickiest of Post-it notes. Take a moment now to glance at just a few of the labels parents commonly use. Which ones have you been carrying around all these years?

Gifted
Full of potential
Funny
An underachiever
A little slow
Lazy
High maintentance
Laid back
Strong willed
Beautiful
Melodramatic
The one we never have to worry about
A bit of a troublemaker
Skinny
Big boned
A hard worker
The star
The black sheep

Not all of these labels sound damaging, I know, but trust me they can be. The tricky part about labeling is that often these labels seem accurate. After all, they didn't arrive out of thin air. Labels are typically based on some observant trait or behavioral pattern. But hear this: You are not a prophet. Most likely you are not a biogeneticist. You cannot predict how your children will turn out based on your own intuition or on your family's physical, mental or emotional characteristics.

I thought that this was really important to share, because we all do this, to our children and to other people's children too. I have done this to Sophie whether it is saying it to her or speaking of her to someone, commenting on how "even tempered" or "laid back" she is. As harmless as I think this is, I fail to remember the things I learned throughout my four years of schooling in Child & Family Development and Psychology, and that as she gets older she may think that this how she needs to behave in order to please me or Neal, thinking that she can't act any other way for fear of disappointing.

Often times parents (myself and Neal included), grandparents and other well meaning family members will say things about a child like, "Oh he/she gets _______ from her Daddy" or "She is going to be ___________ just like her Mom" whether or not the blank is filled in with a negative or positive trait the affect that it has on the child can be negative. One thing that really stands out that I learned in school about labels is that they become self fulfilling prophecies for a child, most often times if a child hears themselves described by one statement or phrase long enough they think that it truly does define them and they do become that label.

How do we avoid labels, I don't really know yet, number one I haven't finished the whole chapter yet (hahaha) and personally I think it will be very hard, because often times "labels" are considered a form of praise. We all want to praise our children, because it is just basic human nature that praise reinforces. I don't think we will ever be able to completely avoid labels all together, but one suggestion the author makes is to take the harsh words like "always", "never" and "all the time" out of the phrases and replace them with "can be". So instead of saying that Sophie is, "always so laid back" I can change up the terminology and say that, "she can be laid back at times" giving her the freedom to be different if she wants and not lock her into the "laid back personality". So I guess that I am just going to have to get creative and really focus on what is coming out of my mouth. I realize that this book is not the "end all, be all" book on parenting and I certainly don't take everything in this book as "the word" but it is a good starting point for reflection on my own parenting style and I take what I want from each point the author makes. I just thought that this had relevance and thought I would share.

With Sophie growing and changing everyday Neal and I are beginning to see more and more of a personality emerge and we want to see that continue to grow. We want to do all we can to foster her development and help her become her own person and not just what we want her to be. Parenting is hard, don't ever let anyone tell you different, there are so many do's and don'ts you never know if you are doing the right thing, but it is the hardest job you will EVER love. All we can do is put our best foot forward and try and do better than we did the day before to raise a well adjusted, self directed, happy child.